Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The First And Only On-Line Exorcism

There are monsters in our closet right now. They have been there for years upon years. Little demons that continually haunt you to this day. Chances are very good that you were introduced to these demons when you were a child and they have stuck with you. Or it could be possible that you've recently come to know these demons and you can't seem to shake them.

I myself have been living with a demon most of my life. It is known only as the Zuni Fetish Doll from the movie Trilogy Of Terror. I still think I see it from time to time in the corners of dark rooms. I sometimes wait for its dagger to slide back and forth under doors in hopes of cutting my feet. It's the single reason that my daughter has very few dolls and certainly no dolls that require chains on them.


But today I'm going to put all of that behind me. I'm going to exorcise this demon from me so that I may never think of it again.

BE GONE YOU EVIL AFRICAN FETISH DOLL. STOP HAUNTING MY WAKING AND SLEEPING LIFE. STOP STARING AT ME WITH YOUR BEADY EYES. YOU ARE ONLY A PROP IN A MOVIE THAT COULD EASILY BE BROKEN IF I THREW YOU TO THE GROUND OR IF I FELL ON YOU BECAUSE I AM BIG AND YOU ARE SMALL. YOUR HAIR IS UGLY AND I BET YOU SMELL SOMETHING AWFUL. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS YOU AND NEVER HAS BEEN. BE GONE FROM ME AND NEVER RETURN!

There, that's better.

Now I invite all of you to come forth and confess your demons so that I may exorcise them from you. Don't be shy. Evil Clown is here for you.

11 comments:

Fox said...

Will you exorcise the Three Men and a Baby kid from my soul, please?

EVIL CLOWN said...

Of course.

BE GONE YOU OH SO CUTE BABY. BE AWAY FROM FOX WITH YOUR CUTE LOOKS AND YOUR SWEET COOS. DESPITE ALL YOUR CUTENESS, FOX WILL NOT PINCH YOUR CHEEKS BECAUSE YOU ARE STINKY AND YOU DROOL A LOT AND POOP YOUR PANTS AND THAT STUFF IS NOT CUTE. PLUS YOU ARE SMALL AND FOX IS BIGGER THAN YOU AND FOX COULD HURT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST A BABY AND YOU CANNOT EVEN SAY "HELLO" OR "MY FAVORITE FOOD IS APPLESAUCE". COME TO THINK OF IT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN WORTH FOX'S TIME BECAUSE YOU ARE SO SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT. BE GONE YOU DEVIL BABY AND COME NO MORE.

Okay Fox, now drink a large glass of Orange Juice and don't try to work any major machinery for the afternoon. You should be good from there.

Fox said...

NO! Not the baby! The freakin' ghost kid levitating in the windown in the back!!!!

EVIL CLOWN said...

Good Lord, Fox. So Evil Clown gets one head-up-his-ass card since he's new to this.

Hang on, let me roll up my polka-dotted frilly sleeves.

Okay, here it goes.

BE GONE YOU STUPID CARDBOARD STANDEE. YOU ARE DUMB AND YOU ALLOWED THIS MOVIE TO BE TALKED ABOUT LONG AFTER IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT CARDBOARD. FOX COULD BEND YOU IN HALF AND WIPE HIS BACKSIDE WITH YOU - OF COURSE HE WOULD PROBABLY GET A REALLY BAD RASH FROM THAT AND HE MIGHT CUT THE INSIDE OF HIS BUTT, BUT STILL HE COULD DO IT IF HE WANTED TO. YOU ARE EVEN LESS IMPORTANT THAN TOM SELLECK'S MUSTACHE. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. BE GONE YOU STUPID ASS CARDBOARD PIECE OF SHIT. YOU SHOULD BE PART OF A BOX HOLDING A BUNCH OF WORTHLESS STUFF IN SOMEONE'S BASEMENT. NEVER BOTHER FOX AGAIN.

Okay, that should do it. Now the Standee and the baby should never bother you again. I won't charge you double since you know, it was my mistake.

Megan said...

I'm still traumatized by that Walking Dead post...

EVIL CLOWN said...

Ask and you shall receive.

BE GONE WALKING DEAD POST. YOU WERE A VERY GOOD POST DONE BY ONE VERY TALENTED INDIVIDUAL, BUT YOU HAVE NO PLACE HERE ANYMORE. WELL AT LEAST NO PLACE AROUND MEGAN BECAUSE HER SPACE IS ALL FILLED UP AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE LOOKING AT TOO SKINNY PICTURES OF WOMEN WHO COULD BE KINDA PRETTY IF THEY ATE SOME LITTLE DEBBIE SNACK CAKES EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. STOP TRAUMATIZING MEGAN BECAUSE SHE SEEMS LIKE A NICE PERSON AND WE DON'T WANT TO UPSET HER. SO BE GONE AND NEVER COME BACK.

Burbanked said...

You're good, Evil Clown, real good. I'll give you that. But I wonder if you're really up for a true exorcism challenge.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.

good luck with that you evil red-nosed bastard. i'll see you in hell.

EVIL CLOWN said...

Jesus Burbanked,

I'm an Evil Clown, I'm not God.

But I'll give it a shot.

This is going to take all my strength and I may have to rest on an exotic beach somewhere after.

BE GONE INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. BE GONE FROM US. YOUR TITLE IS STUPID AND YOU ARE NOTHING BUT AN EXAMPLE OF ONE HAS-BEEN PRODUCER AND ONE KNOWS-BETTER DIRECTOR RIDING THE COATTAILS OF PAST SUCCESSES. YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT THAT YOU RESURRECTED INDY, BUT ALL YOU DID WAS PROVE THAT HE'S DEAD IN THE GROUND. SIX FEET UNDER, WHICH IS WHERE EVERY SINGLE DVD OF THIS MOVIE SHOULD BE. YOU HAVE NO PLACE HERE. NO PLACE ON THE SHELF OF GOOD MOVIES. BE GONE YOU EVIL, EVIL MOVIE. WE WILL NOT LET YOU TARNISH INDY'S NAME. WE WON'T LET LUCAS DO TO INDY WHAT HE DID TO STAR WARS. BE GONE FROM US, YOU BAD, BAD MOVIE.

And if that doesn't do it, check out this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITcPeYdNTdU

Burbanked said...

uh. WOW. I actually feel a bit better. Thanks, Evil Clown! You're the coolest!

EVIL CLOWN said...

Hey Burbanked,

Deep under all that white make-up, the tattoos, the trusses and the scar tissue, I'm a really nice clown.

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