Monday, October 13, 2008

A Letter To Them Horror Picture Makers


Hey! This is Big Billy Hill and I wanna tell you fellers in your big buildings up in Hollywood a little something. Lay off us inbreds. Quit making us out to be some kind of monsters in yer horror movies. We’re normal people just like you rich folk up in your big buildings. Maybe if you actually came through one of our one dirt road towns and sat down to a nice meal of horse and whatnot you might actually learn us a little more. You’ll find out that just because I been layin down with my sister every evening since I were 12 that doesn’t make me a bad person. Here, my sister has something she wants to say.

Hey! This is Dannielynn, the wife and sister of Big Billy. Not only do I sleep with my brother, but I was born from my Momma who was also the sister to my Daddy and aside from that thing I got commin out my back there ain’t nothin wrong with me. And here’s another thing you big city dummies need to know. We ain’t eatin’ eachother. I don’t know what word they use for that eatin humans thing, but that aint us. All while we on the subject we ain't mutants neither. None of us got weird looks sept for that thing coming out my back and Burnell got them eyes too close together and Peanut got that nub with them fingers on her shoulder and then there Cephus with his left leg that's coming out his side, but hell all that ain't nothin. Just because were inbred, that don’t mean were mutant people who eat other people. So put down yer pencils and stop writin them lies bout us. Here, my son got somethin to say to you.

Hey! This Burnell. I’m the son of Ma and Pa who sister and bruther and I ain’t dum an I only eat critters, but na human critters. Ma school me at home. My eyes to close tugether. Keep me out a yer movies or I punch you. I taint no freek. Hers my daughter Peanut who also my wife. She sayin' sumthin.

Hay! Snuff dem lurdy nub cuz ma stem luk ho shulder dem hank yuse wit fangers fuk cuz slank dof.

Sincerely,

The Buster Hill Clan


11 comments:

Fox said...

Dear Hills,

I know your kind has taken a lot of heat ever since that X-Files episode with the mom-on-wheels that lives under the bed, but you've got to admit there is some truth to the stereotypes. Isn't there always?

For example, this weekend in Dallas one of your people was in front of me at Randall's (that's a grocery store for you non-Texans), and she almost made me vomit b/c she was so ugly and dirty. But then it got unbearable when she took 5 minutes to put her unused coupons back in her purse and held up the line! Coupons?? Please, aren't your people on the governments teet already? What the hell do you need coupons for?

Where's EVIL CLOWN?? Bring him back!

EVIL CLOWN said...

Inbreds may be dumb, but they sure as hell know how to hack into somebody's blog and post a letter.

And although I'm a Scary Clown, I sure as shit don't dare go after them.

Fox said...

You've been downgraded to "Scary Clown" now???

EVIL CLOWN said...

I was especially nice this weekend and got downgraded to scary. I plan to change that this week.

Megan said...

Does Peanut have a translator, a la the jive talking gal in Airplane?

"Oh Piper? I speak inbred."

Um, well, no I don't.

EVIL CLOWN said...

Megan,

Actually, I'm pretty fluent in inbred.

Peanut just keeps repeating the same thing over and over. She says "head on, apply directly to the forehead. head on, apply directly to the forehead. head on, apply directly to the forehead."

Weird

Burbanked said...

"...and Peanut got that nub with them fingers on her shoulder..."

Yes, that one will stick with me for a while. Thanks, EC.

EVIL CLOWN said...

burbanked,

If there's anything else I can do to haunt your dreams, you be sure to let me know.

Lisa Bee said...

I think the Buster Hill Clan should replace the cavemen as the new Geico spokespeople. Who better to sell car insurance than inbreds?

EVIL CLOWN said...

Lisa,

I like where you're going with this. For payment all you have to do is bring out the family tree and point out members of their family that they haven't slept with yet.

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