Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Top 5 Tuesdays (T5T) Things Scarier Than A Clown As Listed By An Evil Clown


The word clown used to be synonymous with joy and happiness. So what happened? I'll tell you what happened. John Wayne Gacy is what happened. And Stephen King. And Krusty The Clown. Suddenly, the jokester clown is the joke, which doesn't bode well for Barnum & Bailey. I used to be a sweet and loving clown before all the press went bad about me. So don't blame me, man. Blame society.

But in reality, there are a lot of things scarier than a clown. Here are my top 5 things scarier than a clown in no particular order.

1. Urinary Tract Infection Why does it hurt when I pee? No one likes it when the plumbing doesn't work and no one really wants to have anyone check "down there" to see what's wrong. As an Evil Clown, I'm not complicated like that. I steer clear of the nether regions.

2. Gargoyles On Buildings Are they alive or are they just statues? Who knows, but I'm not going to hang around to find out. There are no surprises with clowns. We don't pretend to be dead and then come alive when you least expect it.

3. Styrofoam Cups Sure they keep your drink nice and cool, but it takes 50 years for those to dissolve in a land fill. They're like the cockroaches of disposable eating containers. Since I'm possessed, I never die so there's no reason to worry about me filling up a land fill.

4. Amy Winehouse Have you seen this woman? Tell me that if I was coming at you from one end of a dark alley and Winehouse was coming at you from the other end that you wouldn't run to me with open arms.

5. Nightmares About Missing The Big School Test Seriously, I can't hold a candle to this.

Feel free to add to this.

6 comments:

Megan said...

6. Wondering what Fox is going to come up with.

EVIL CLOWN said...

Evidently Fox is going to terrify us with nothing.

I had no idea that this list was so definitive.

Fox said...

Megan-

Touche'... though now the pressure is on!!?!?

Evil Clown -

You came up with excellent ones, especially the missing the school test dream, but mine is always the "I skipped too many classes and I can't graduate college now!" dream.

But here are 5 things I find scarier than a clown:

1. Going to a Major League baseball game and having to pee on one of those old school trough urinals.

2. The Exploding Penis Fish: This may be an urban myth, but 5 years ago, a friend told me that the pond we were about to swim in had this special type of fish that swims up your pee hole when you pee b/c they like the "warm water", but once they get inside they expand their tentacles and your penis explodes.

3. Seeing the kitchen staff at a restaurant after you have already ordered your food.

4. Footage of nighttime deep see fishing. F*CK!!

5. Farting at your desk right when somebody is entering your office/work space (worse if this person is cute, meaning you could erase all of the hard work you put into appearing suave and awesome.)

EVIL CLOWN said...

Okay,

I took my evil clown son to a baseball game when he was little and he grabbed the sides of the urinal trough. The guy next to us looked at him and said "dude, you gotta wash your hands."

My evil clown brother used to own a restaurant and I saw the restaurant staff all the time. I couldn't eat there.

And how about not just farting at your desk, but having one of those farts where you can't tell if it's going to be a normal fart or if you're going to shit your pants.

Paul Arrand Rodgers said...

The near-shart? Terrifying.

Amy Winehouse? I'd hit it...

To sever the spinal cord or remove the brain, that is.

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